Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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