I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
