I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
