he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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