Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Oh god it's open bar.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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