anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I woke up under a house in Key West
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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