can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
