Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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