Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
