McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
