when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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