matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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