I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize