Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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