i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
