he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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