so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
