Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize