Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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