I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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