Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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