I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
