my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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