I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
