She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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