When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
