apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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