you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
