I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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