I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
don't judge my taste in strippers
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
