I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
