you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You left your phone here
Wait...
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