its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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