can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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