i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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