He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
