Her vagina should come with caution tape.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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