I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
