perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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