I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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