five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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