No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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