I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
His nipple licking is glorious
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