My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize