I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
