Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
