Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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