meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
