That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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