Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
