We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
