you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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