Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
