I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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